Stan’s Journal 7-29-10

Dear Lord,

Be by my side as a friend and guardian.  Watch as I pull myself from this darkness.  This hole.  This hell.  Do not lead me, as my path is my own, a path to be forged by my hands alone.  Do not follow, as my mistakes need not be forgotten, washed away by your hand.  Walk beside me.

Let the light from your eyes shine upon me.  Illuminate my potential and smile upon my successes. Fore whatever I may achieve is better shared with a loving friend than either a master or slave.

Through your love I am empowered.  I am capable.  I am able to conquer life’s demons.

If ever I stumble, bruised and bereaved, lost unto myself, whisper your strength within my soul  fore even the darkest of times I will promise to love with honesty and forgiveness, certain to always rely upon the wisdom and understanding of an open mind, never to fall victim to my pride.

E.U.H. + M.B.S.

Stan’s next session was so fascinating that I just had to share it with you.  How wise can a 21 year old be?  Find out by reading this (condensed) session:

Therapist:  How are you doing today Stan?

Stan:  I’m good.  I woke up to the sound of birds.  I’ve been waiting all winter for this.  Spring can come now.  I just love it.

I’m good.  I guess I’m kind of sad though.  Looking from the outside in I see that my mother and father are just so different.  They are two people that developed in their careers and professions.  They both love what they do.  They couldn’t be happier in what they are doing.

But after 30 years together they are so distant from each other.  I feel like they wasted so much of their lives with each other.  It makes me really sad.  They are always upset with each other.  They go through the same fights over and over.  For as long as I remember it’s the same cycle over and over.

When they were younger they focused on us kids.  It was family work.  Now they are left with each other and they are either fighting or are distant.  I see now that it is not just my brother’s passing.  It’s the choices they made in their life.

People go through so many changes in 30 years of marriage.  They tried but in the end it was such a waste of time.  Me and my brother know it.  I wish I could make them happy, but I can’t.

The way she is, I know what I can and can’t say.  And that is kind of sad.

Therapist:  When you and your brother move out of the house they will be left alone to face each other.  There will be no distraction.  We will see what they do with each other then.

Stan:  Even as a couple they are very lonely people.  Especially Mom.  She wants more out of Dad and he just doesn’t have the emotional capacity.

Mom always looked for more.  Look, it’s not my relationship, but it’s depressing to see such good people living out their lives of misery.

Therapist:  Do you think their unhappy marriage was in any way connected to your brother’s suicide?

Stan:  No.  He wasn’t happy with himself, his medical condition.  He loved his girlfriend but he felt he could never provide for her the way he wanted to.  Maybe the family stressors played a part, but it wasn’t the cause.

He wanted our parents to be proud of him.  It meant so much to him – not so much for me.  I never needed that, but he relied on them.

I wish Mom could see the reality of her relationship.  You know the truth?  Their relationship wasn’t a waste.  The two of them raised three good kids!  It’s just so lonely to watch them.

Therapist:  What lessons have you learned from how your Mom and Dad have conducted their relationship?

Stan:  It keeps me reminded.  It’s why I’m not dating.  It reminds me that I won’t marry because it’s “time” or because other people my age are getting married.  I will know when it’s right.  If it’s not there, it’s not there.

Therapist:  I know what you mean!  That’s what happened to me when I met my husband.  It truly was love at first sight.

Stan:  That’s what I want.  I don’t want to waste my time.  I feel that a lot of people choose comfort over love.  I want to experience love to its fullest potential.  Most people don’t really think about what they are doing and why they are doing it.

If “society” says it time to get married, I like this person enough, I am comfortable, let’s get married – what does this really have to do with the real you?  It’s like society “dumbs us down”.  Am I over-thinking here?

Therapist:  Not at all.  You are looking deeply into your feelings and what really matters to you.  You are considering the long term.

Stan:  Like my brother’s friend.  He’s been with this girl for 10 years, since Junior High School.  Their relationship already shows signs of dysfunction. He is so easy going.  He jokes around and is so much fun.  That’s the very thing that she hates about him.  Sooner or later he is going to resent her for sucking the life out of him.

I just want to shake him.  “Don’t do it!”  “What are you doing?!”

Yes, I know marriage is work. You will have ups and downs, but if you make the wrong choice, you are divorced and you just haven’t signed the papers yet!

If you don’t see it, I can’t make you see.  As for me, It would be nice for me to get married and have kids, but if I don’t I will be fine.  It’s OK.  There are plenty of kids to adopt.  Marriage is not something I expect of myself.

Therapist:  You are very wise.

Stan:  What I wish is that if I want to marry that I ask my family and friends to give me the most honest appraisal of what they see, and what they recommend for me.  They may see something I don’t.  I will listen and take seriously into account what they see.

You know what I think?  Comfort is dangerous!  It is the enemy to being true to yourself if you don’t really love at the same time.

The sun is shining today.  Summer is on the way.   Haa-haa.  I love the sun.  I love living…..

This young man is determined to find his truth and follow it.  Through the pain, suffering and loss he has gained a deep wisdom that has allowed him to forge a path of integrity and authentic love.  He has found a way to honor himself in a way that will not compromise his need for true and honest love.

What a joy to see him grow and find his true self.

Cynthia

Many of you have never been in therapy.  Maybe you wonder what it would be like.  You may be curious about the kind of interactions that take place, and what can be expected.  Here is one example of a successful therapy.  If you noticed my write-up on the home page of this website, I outlined the trends associated with the beginning, middle and end phases.  This is an example of a session in the latter phase of therapy where lessons have been learned and integrated.  The learning is not over, the challenges will continue, but this person has the tools that he was missing before.

So here is an inside look at the process.  Remember, each person is unique, each session is unlike any other.  Here is one hour in the life of a therapist and patient:

Therapist.  Hi Stan.  How are you doing today?

Stan.  I’m still doing well.  Though it has been difficult to adjust to a life without chaos.  I actually feel selfish because things are going so well.  The one thing I wanted I’m getting.  I have my mother back in my life and we are getting along just like we used to, only better. Better now than ever…. It’s hard to live without stress.  It’s a learning curve.  Ironically, it’s the hardest part!

T. Harder than the chaos that you lived through?

S.  It’s like climbing out of the mental web that I built. I became so accustomed to  chaos dominating my day.  It’s weird now.  I have to be conscious all the time or I get caught back up in how I was, in how I reacted and felt then

It’s hard being here now because my mind constructs a pattern of  how to deal with the pain and chaos, even though my present life is good.

Like I drank this weekend.  I stopped for so long and it felt good, but then I got together with the guys and I went for it.  I drank.  I had a decent time but yesterday I felt so bad that I wasted my time.  I felt bad about myself.

Last night Mom and I talked.  She was rational and made so much sense.  She was calm and listened to me.  She walked me through it just like she used to.  It was so helpful.  She said, “Don’t worry” and I felt better! I told her I need reminders that it’s OK, that I’m OK.

At times I feel like I’m 30 or 40 years old.  The last three years felt like a lifetime.  With my brother’s suicide I went crazy, and the whole family broke down.  Now I see kids my age and they have moved on, they are farther along in college than me.  My life spiraled down into the depths, while their educational life took off.

That’s what I told Mom, and she told me, “What is the alternative?”  It made me stop.  She said it all evens out.

T.  That is so wise.  And you took it in?

S.  Yea, but I’m impatient.   I realize I have so much work to do.  And Mom kept on reminding me, “You’re only 21″.  But I don’t feel 21.  I’m in a mental marathon and it consumes me sometimes…. I guess I’m a work in progress….  But I did one thing right:  I asked for help before I started to spiral out of control.  I knew I started to freak and I just asked for help.

T.  Good for you.  You are starting a new pattern.

S.  Sometimes I feel like I live two different lives.  I’m here, then I jump ahead in my mind.  Like, where will I be in two years?  How will I ever do it?  When I said that to Mom, she said, “Be here now, be in this semester, breathe.”

T.  Great advice again.

S.  Now I have room to breathe.  I have room to think because we aren’t in the misery and anger and chaos anymore.  Ever since I wrote her that letter about how I really felt, it all changed.

Now I have a desire.  I am starting to think about being in a good relationship.  Before this, I was so messed up I felt I couldn’t put a woman through the complications.  My life was just too complicated.  So I decided just not to be with anyone.  For years, it wasn’t even a choice.

T.  But something is happening to you now, something is opening up so you are starting to want a connection, a real connection.

S.  But is it really possible?  And would it be positive?

T.  Absolutely!  If you are thinking these thoughts, then you are getting ready to let in someone special.  In some areas “if you don’t use it you loose it.”  Not in this area.  You have the capacity to love, and now that you have worked through your loss, you are beginning to move on, and you are ready to open up to love.  And to Now!

S.  Really??!!  This makes me feel hopeful that you say that.

T.  Yes, and when you feel ready you will send out a wavelength, a vibration – just like you can feel the energy of someone who quietly stands behind you.  And you will attract someone of the same wavelength.

S.  Ahh…  Just like in the song, “Wavelength,” by Van Morrison!

T. Right!!!  It took healing with your mother and accepting the loss of your brother to be ready and open for a relationship.

S.  I want to marry a woman who is like the best of my mother;  someone who is strong, assertive, who is an individual with her own thoughts.   I don’t want a passive and compliant woman.  The way my Mom brought me up I have a healthy respect for women.

I realize that lately I’ve been thinking about writing about my experiences and what a young person goes through when they loose a family member to suicide, and what the family goes through.  Then I wonder, who would care?  But then I say, wait, so many people have to deal with the suicide of a family member or friend.  I could write from the perspective of a young person who had to live through it.

T.  I didn’t realize that you had thoughts of writing about this.  I encourage you to start taking notes.  It doesn’t have to be in sequence, just jot down what comes to mind and you can pull it together later.  That is a fantastic idea.

S.  Yea, I have this urge to visit high schools and to be real and talk about my experiences, to give kids an idea about the consequences of a suicide, how it affects others.  Coming from a young person it could be more powerful.

T.  Absolutely!

S.  Even if I changed one mind, it would be worth it

T.  You have transformed your own pain into the gift of giving to others your hard won wisdom and love. I am so proud of you.

S.  And I realize that I need to learn how to become a man!  I like that my Mom taught me and was the one who brought me up.  I feel that that transformation will be complete when college is done.  Then I will enter life as a man.  I know I have the perfect formula.

I want to become a wise person who is positive and helpful.  I feel like I’ve already done the hard part.  The next part is in accepting how well things are going.  Now I need to accept the calmness.

I see that If I can put it together I have the potential to be a positive force in the world.  It’s hard as hell.  All I can do is hope and stay focused.  I couldn’t have done it without you.

T.   Congratulations.  You are transforming now into the person you have always wanted to be.  I am so honored to have helped.

So that is one session.  This is one hour in the life of a therapist and one patient!  Sounds too good to be true?  Actually, no.  This session is the culmination of years of hard work.  So young, yet he has worked through so much pain and loss, and transformed in a most amazing way.  This session is a literal transcription.  Amazing isn’t it?  Amazing but true.

Cynthia

Hello, I decided to publish my notes in preparation for a presentation to those who are caring for someone who is ill, with Lyme disease, cancer, or any life-altering or life threatening illness.   The presentation will occur tonight, November the 5th at 6:30 at Bacchus Hospital in Norwich, Connecticut under the auspice of LymeLink.  I hope you will find it helpful and give you the support you need and deserve as you care for your loved one.  Since these are shorthand notes, if you have questions or want further elaboration, please blog or write!

• How do we really take care of ourselves, what does this really mean?

A.  Physical care for the caretaker

• A day in the (ideal) life
• Sleep – six to eight hours per day; create a sleep sanctuary, low electric magnetic frequency in room, no light, shades to keep out light, replace light emitting electronics, regular bedtime, natural bedding and covers, animals in the bed or room?, earplugs, (for you or partner, sleep apnea?)eye covers, cotton pajamas or no clothing, no TV in bedroom, no drinks after 6, dinner as early as possible, light dinner, heavier meal at lunch, warm shower or Epsom salt bath before bedtime, soothing CD to assist with relaxation, herbal tea to promote relaxation – not too late, melatonin, valarian, hops, liquorish, combination teas for sleeping, routine, calming ritual, foot bath/soak (Epsom salt), sit back on neck or back massager in chair
• Awakening – natural or alarmed? if alarmed, can it be soft, gradual? Or a combination of increasing natural light with carefully chosen music, hot-cold shower, glove scrubber, gentle, pure soap to reduce allergen challenge,  pure shampoos, other personal products, stretch neck in shower with hot water on neck, left and right, then forward (Yoga stretch), focus on stress and worry flowing down your body and down the drain – takes no additional time,
• Dry brushing with a natural bristle brush all over your body, all in the direction of your heart
• Neti pot – nasal lavage – 2 times per day to prevent colds, flu, sinus infections, nose bleeds, ear infections, etc.
• Frequent hand washing with warm water and soap (no need for anti-bacterial agents, can create rebound)
• Dental health critical – electric tooth brush preferred; regular dental appointments and cleanings
• Regular health check-ups
• Weekly or bi-weekly massage, Energy healing
• Daily moderate exercise at a regular time (15-20 minutes a day, at least three times per week); mix and match

1. Yoga – physical, emotional, spiritual practice – all encompassing life style
2. Walking – can be gently aerobic, easy on joints, can use iPod with uplifting music, mood elevating; running if conditioned, though this is potentially more dangerous
3. Biking (spinning classes)
4. Pilates – combination of Yoga and western type exercising – but be careful for pulling muscles
5. Swimming – excellent all over exercise; aqua classes are gently aerobic and strengthening as well as social
6. Jacuzzi, hot tub – toxin release
7. Sauna – toxin release
8. Steam room – toxin release – all are stress reducers

• Diet

1. Andrew Weil’s anti-inflammatory diet
2. Blood Type Diet
3. Drink ½ your body weight in ounces (if you weigh 120 lbs, drink 60 oz per day) – spring or filtered water
4. How much did you weight at age 20-25?  Was that your ideal weight?  Gradual restitution of body balance fosters the body’s self-healing
5. Focus on fresh, organic vegetables and some fruits – nurturing for the body, and detoxifying
6. Garlic, garlic, garlic
7. Focus on whole foods (foods that your grandmother would have recognized as food) – do you know what processed food is?  In my lifetime:  processed foods, genetically modified, chemicalized, denatured, dyed, bleached, enriched, stripped, hormone-fed, artificial fertilizers, artificial ingredients with names you can’t pronounce.  Read the labels, keep it simple and natural.  Introduce more raw foods into your diet – vita-mix and juicing; if our body does not “recognize” food substitutes, it turns to fat and cellulite (pollution)
8. Do not cook with aluminum pans; rather use cast iron or enamel covered pans
9. Use some Himalayan or Celtic seas salt:  provides micro-nutrients – composition is compatible with our body composition
10. Some animal and fish protein – organic and free range – very important.  Have less but of better quality – same money
11. Substitute natural sweets for white, cane, processed sugar; eliminate foods containing xxx corn sweetener xxx – molasses, local honey to reduce allergies, fruit, naturally dried fruit, 85% cacao chocolate
12. Moderate caffeine usage (excessive caffeine restricts blood flow to the brain, lowers cognitive function and can exacerbate emotional and mental health problems.)
13. Introduce green tea to promote focus, and enhance anti-oxidant function
14. Greens in powdered for capsule form helpful in detoxing
15. Moderate alcohol consumption of red wine with meals
16. Celebrate with each meal!  Candles at the dinner table, pleasant table talk, social time, or if alone, celebrate with yourself.

C.  Mental, Psychological, Emotional Care for the Caretaker

• The Dark Side:

1. My state of happiness depends on you; if you are well, then I will be OK
2. I love you
3. You matter more than me
4. I am unworthy of care and love
5. I am a function of giving
6. I do not honor my individual self
7. I am here for you
8. I am a machine; I can give unconditionally without regard to my own resources
9. I can do anything out of Love for you regardless of my own needs
10. I have no needs, it’s all about you
11. You first
12. Me last
13. I deny my exhaustion, pain, fear, need
14. I insist I can do this
15. I have no time for caring for myself
16. I am too busy, I have too much to do
17. Doing is more important than being
18. Love is a one way street, for now
19. My time will come, but I can’t think about that now
20. I numb myself in order to keep on going
21. I am helpless to heal you
22. I cannot control your illness, so I feel out of control
23. I want to fix you so you will feel better, then I will feel better
24. I am overwhelmed
25. I find myself compulsively engaging in pleasurable but dangerous behavior
26. I get irritable and tired, but I must ignore it
27. I feel like I am being used and victimized
28. No one is taking care of me and I resent it
29. I am sacrificing myself and no one even notices it
30. I don’t feel appreciated
31. I resent that others are not helping out
32. Why am I always the one that others rely upon?
33. Why do I have to do it all?
34. I am angry, but feel guilty about it
35. I shouldn’t be feeling what I am feeling
36. I love you, but now you are becoming a burden
37. When will it be over?
38. I want out
39. Guilt, guilt, guilt
40. I hate you
41. I hate myself for hating you
42. I should be a better person
43. I deserve punishment for being so mean, irritable and hateful
44. I don’t feel well
45. I am tired
46. I have pain and misery
47. I feel isolated and alone
48. I can’t tell anyone about these dark thoughts and feelings
49. If I did they would see through me
50. I would be rejected for the selfish person I am
51. I feel like giving up
52. Stop being a baby
53. Buck up
54. Get over yourself
55. I am hungry
56. I am tired
57. I want to disappear

• The Light Side

1. I love myself
2. I love you
3. I deserve time for myself every day
4. I nurture myself for me
5. I nurture myself so that I can share my love and care for you
6. I consciously work at balance in my life
7. I tune into my feelings and my body
8. I identify compulsive behaviors and begin a recovery program
9. I am aware of what defenses I use, and use them consciously as I need them, not automatically
10. I identify and express my feelings in a healthy, assertive manner
11. I avoid extreme and all or nothing thinking
12. I challenge rigid thinking and seek to expand my consciousness
13. I key into my body to check for somatic feelings so I can know what I am feeling
14. I recognize boundaries and maintain boundaries with others
15. I stop trying to control and fix others. I give less advise and fewer explanations
16. I treasure myself
17. I eat well, I exercise and relax every day
18. I honor the different parts of me: wife, husband, daughter, son, mother, father, aunt, uncle, colleague, student, friend, worker, chef, housewife
19. I honor the physical, mental, psychological and spiritual aspects of myself
20. I remember that I am larger than any one moment
21. I swim, walk, meditate, dance, pray
22. I get massages, energy work, other healing on a regular basis
23. I watch funny movies
24. I nurture my creativity
25. I remember what play is; I play
26. I learn to trust myself
27. I love you
28. I care for you
29. My cup floweth over and I joyfully share what I have with you
30. I say No so I can say yes
31. I talk to you (as appropriate) about my feelings and needs
32. I honor your strength and gifts and ask for your help in the ways that you can give
33. In so doing, that strengthens you
34. I confront you if you become abusive or irritable with me
35. I offer “in your face compassion” if that is what is needed
36. I protect myself from abusive and destructive relationships.
37. I focus on what people do, not what they say:  reality
38. Therapy helps at an impasse

D.  Spiritual Care for the Caretaker

1. I express gratitude for the gifts of life
2. I practice surrender to a higher power
3. I pray (talk to Spirit) and meditate (I listen to Spirit) daily – start out with just 5 minutes—up to 30 minutes
4. I walk the earth and feel connection with the force of nature, and accept solace from that connection
5. I practice living in the present, being here now
6. I practice compassion and forgiveness for myself and others
7. I open myself to intimacy and tenderness in my relationships
8. I practice the art of “seeing” the beauty in nature, art, music
9. I remember that this, too, will pass
10. I remember that I, and we are part of the whole
11. I surrender to Spirit and ask for help
12. I remember that I am not alone

Namaste,

Cynthia

I LOVE MYSELF

I ACCEPT MYSELF

I NURTURE MYSELF

Do you find the words above to be challenging to say?

New Year’s resolutions are often based a critical model. Why not look at yourself from a different perspective? Looking at yourself as you would look at a dear friend, with compassion and understanding. What are the positive attributes that make you uniquely You? Look within at your struggles, at the ways you work at being the best you can be. With kindness, notice those parts of yourself that are vulnerable, imperfect, incomplete, dark. What might you say to your friend if he or she was feeling bad about something similar? Are there are ways that you undermine yourself, as though you are your own enemy? Look carefully at the ways you may be creating an artificial sense of separation within yourself, as though you were not one, but many conflicting entities inside.

Send Love to all of those parts, including, and especially to the parts holding pain, disappointment, and anger. Hold that disenfranchised part of You. Bring it home. Embrace with compassion the part of you that can be mean, competitive, driven. Send forgiveness to those dark and lonely aspects of your spirit.

Look for the child deep within and honor her/his feelings. That child never needs to be alone again in a world that cannot be trusted. Now that child can trust you. By acknowledging, loving, and taking care of that inner child, you will find that you can intuitively shower yourself with love in the way that is most needed.

Self-hate is at the root of many of the self-destructive behaviors that New Year resolutions are intended to correct. By deeply seeing the beautiful, innocent, and pure parts of yourself, and having compassion for your “faults”—which result from misguided ways of trying to protect yourself from pain—you can move to forgiveness. Following is a Hawaiian prayer that may help you to love and care for yourself and others. Send the words out, especially to your Self.

* * *

Ho’oponopono Mantra

Divine creator, father, mother, son as one…If I, my family, relatives, or ancestors have offended you, your family, relatives, or ancestors in thoughts, words, deeds, or actions from the beginning of our creation to the present, we ask your forgiveness…Let this cleanse, purify, release, and cut all the negative memories, blocks, energies, and vibrations, and transmute these unwanted energies into pure light…And it is done.

I LOVE YOU

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE ME

THANK YOU

* * *

Over time, this prayer can have a profound impact. Meditate on it and take in the light of in-sight: Express your love; acknowledge that you are sorry; ask for forgiveness; and finally, thank yourself. In time, the transformation will crystallize…all else will flow from this.

Blessings,

Cynthia

This is December 10th, 2008.  You know what that means:  that means 15 days of shopping left, right??!! And the countdown begins.

DIAGNOSIS:

Now, check your heart rate, pulse and breathing.  How are you doing?  If any or all of these indicators became elevated, you know you’ve got it bad.  You’ve got a diagnosable condition called Christmasitis.  We could add it to the bible of psychiatry, the book called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. It is essentially experienced as a state of emergency, intensified even further for most people by financial constraints – or even the dreaded pink-slip-phenomenon.  If you experience anxiety, racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, restlessness, irritability and muscle tension, you could be suffering from Christmasitis. In its moderate to severe state, you could become preoccupied with the making of lists, become perfectionist, and excessively devoted to the accomplishment of goals at the expense of leisure activities and relaxation.  You could become inflexible, overly demanding and fear loss of control.  It sometimes mimics manic-depression in inducing a state of exhausted depression alternating with racing around, overspending money and shopping compulsively.

In some cases anxiety and panic spike, insomnia worsens, and relationships suffer with increasing intensity as each day passes, culminating in the Worse-Case-Scenario on Christmas morning.  All night last minute shopping and present wrapping leave very little time for restful sleep before the Big Day.  A crisis of major proportions could erupt on “C” Day with the following symptoms:

• late awakening, irritability, grogginess
• mood instability
• feelings of hopelessness
• loss of alertness
• difficulty staying awake alternating with jittery busts of energy
• bouts of inappropriate laughter (sometimes sounding like Santa)
• overdosing on sugary chocolate products from colorful socks hanging on the fireplace
• feelings of existential crisis, wondering about the meaning of life

TREATMENT

• Laugh, laugh, and laugh some more
• Breathe
• Count to ten and consider the alternatives
• Lock yourself in the bathroom, or other private place to sit down and rest
• As you shop, be sure you are on the top of your list
• Drink plenty of water and plan your post-holiday diet
• Write a letter to Santa to ask for what you Really need, then make sure you get it
• Bring ear plugs or your i-pod to listen to soothing music, unless the music that others choose for you when in the mall really suit you
• Better yet, avoid the mall, and subsidize you small local businesses
• Tell your family and friends that the gift that you really want is time with them
• Slow down and remember what really matters

Blessings,

Cynthia

THE FINANCIAL CRISIS AND YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Are you, like so many of us, caught up in the fear and urgency the current financial crisis has generated, feeling that life is an emergency? If so, it’s important to realize that there are two aspects to this “crisis.” Of course, you may need to spend some time taking a clear-eyed look your financial situation to determine what actions you might need to take—cutting back on spending, paying off the credit cards, working additional hours.

But is it possible that this global financial breakdown might also be a time for us to remember something very important that we may have forgotten in the mad rush to acquire ever more ‘things’ in the mistaken belief that that is what will make us happy? The word crisis, from the Greek krisis, literally, “decision,” refers to “the turning point for better or worse . . . a radical change of status in a person’s life . . . the decisive moment . . . “Perhaps it is time to remember that the material things of life—car, flat-screen TV, a second or third car, more expensive furniture, jewelry, come and go. If we have these material things, but don’t have that which brings deeply felt meaning to our lives—love, commitment, friendship, a feeling of belonging—they are empty, meaninglessness artifacts.

Paradoxically, simplicity, fewer things, fewer activities, may help us to cut through lives of greater and greater complexity and materialism to what truly matters—heart: our own hearts, the hearts of others, and the heart of the world.

CRISIS

Sometimes it takes a crisis to change things we know are wrong. We knew we, and our children, were becoming too reliant on material things, on our toys (for children and grownups!), on television, video games, iPods, and other electronic media. We knew that our cars were getting too big, our credit cards bloated, and our calendar too packed. We knew that we were getting tired, very tired, but we had to keep up the “life style” we had become accustomed to. We knew that our relationship with our partner was taking the back seat while we worked to make the money that would sustain the home we barely spent time in. We knew that there was within us a growing emptiness that no big house, SUV or big screen TV could fill. But, we thought, we just need a little more, and then we can relax.

THE TREADMILL

The culturally supported urge to fill in the blanks with over-activity and material things developed slowly over time, so slowly that it began to seem that it had always been this way. Societal and media intervention led us to believe there was no other way to be happy. Women had it especially hard, because when they finished their work day at their paying job they knew they had to go home to care for home, food, and children. A casualty of the women’s liberation movement, women were “liberated” to fulfill at least two full time occupations at one time: wife, mother, and worker. Men didn’t have it much easier, with some working more than one full-time job. For the working class and middle class the pressures were enormous, especially for those with extensive commutes.

REMEMBER PRESENCE

Reconsider “presents” as “presence”: consider the gift of the bird that continues to sing in the depth of winter, the brilliant dawn, the falling snow, the way sunlight filters through your living room curtains. Watching and listening to the myriad of technological communicators is no substitute for talking, communicating, listening, and even singing together. STOP THE WORLD, just for a moment and hear the sweet sound of silence. This costs nothing. Take a walk and see the beauty in the world, smell the sea salt in the air as you walk the beach, listen to the sea gulls. Allow yourself to remember who you are, how you feel, what you long for. Check in to your dreams. How are you doing?

GRATITUDE EXERCISE

Here is an exercise to help you remember that the glass is half full, not just half empty: Take just five minutes. You may feel you don’t have the time, but when you notice the effects this exercise has on your life, you may change your mind.

Sit in a quiet place with no distractions (yes, it may be hard, but you can do it). Place your feet on the floor as you remain in a seated position. Place your hands in your lap comfortably, and then close your eyes. Breathe. Notice your breath. Do not change it, just notice it. Notice it slow down and deepen as you remain quiet. Notice your thoughts as though you were observing a parade. Allow the parade to pass, not attaching yourself to any of those thoughts. The parade moves on.

Bring the focus of attention to your shoulders. Allow them to release and drop. Notice the muscles in your neck, and allow them to elongate and melt. Follow with your awareness any tight spots or areas of attention and deeply focus on those areas. You will notice that as you concentrate on them, they will shift, change or migrate. Once you are no longer drawn to any area of pain, pressure, or heaviness, allow yourself to simply Be. Invite images of those things in your life that you are grateful for. Allow this new parade to pass before your inner eye. Do not try to conjure, allow.

Just Be. Breathe.

DECISION POINT

As I mentioned earlier, the word crisis refers to a decision point. Like many life challenges, this crisis requires us to consider what we truly value? What will you decide?

Blessings to you,

Cynthia

Have you thought that it sounds too easy to just think it to make it happen as you wish? Have you thought that it is self-centered and has the potential for misuse – the idea that if you use the latent potential of your mind you can create your own reality? Ancient teachings from many different traditions have been translated and in its most recent reincarnation we have learned from scientists and popular visionaries who created the books and movies “The Secret” and “What the Bleep do we know?” that we have so much more control than we think. In the popular Oprah version we may come away with an understanding that if we just think hard enough, and believe enough, we can have whatever we want.

Ah the simplicity, ah the complexity. As a psychotherapist for a quarter of a century, more than most, I understand the light and dark aspects of us humans. I have come to understand that there are forces deep within us resistant to the forces of change. Like a current of water beneath the surface, it may drive your ship in an unexpected direction. The surface water runs one way; the deeper waters may direct the rudder the other way. Unless the deeper forces within your personality are addressed and resolved you may be creating a disappointing reality. Unconscious forces at work can undo all your conscious thought creations. When you are immersed in the “flow” all of you is going in the direction that is flowering, expansive and enlightening.

Through talking (talk therapy) and the deeper explorations of Reiki Fusion, both surface and deeper forces can be gently identified and gracefully released. What is needed is your intention to clear the way for what is for your highest good. Notice: I didn’t say that you can have whatever your conscious mind thinks it wants. There is an aspect of what could be called your higher self that is “knowing”. Yes, you do have access to the wisdom that will set your ship right – from the higher perspective.

And on a related note: what is control? If you think hard enough can you “control” forces that were otherwise thought to be beyond your control? I have found that in some aspects the harder one tries, the more elusive is the goal. How about you? On the other hand, when I “surrender” the ego and “allow” what is best for me to unfold, I discover things falling into place. It still takes mental discipline to pull the plug on negative or catastrophic thoughts; it takes mental discipline to create the conditions of allowing the best to unfold. That’s when the “Co-Creation” has a chance to unfold. The natural life-force in a seed allows a miraculous unfolding. We have that same life force within us, and each of us has a unique potential. When this potential is tapped, it is pure joy.

I wish you joy.

March 13, 2007
You are purity of space; You are Grace, open and expansive, outside of the field
of human interaction. After spending so much time in the mix of relationships,
You, beach, shore, sand and light, provide an expanse within which I may soar.
Perspective is what I seek here; flight so that in my return I carry the wisdom
that will allow me to be the best I can be.
Your waters are sensual today, indigo blue velvet moving in slow motion. You
wear your cape, flowing and long with lace edges, as you embrace your lover, the
shore. Half moon as witness and at the same time golden braids of the sunlight
flow effortlessly along the folds. In this moment one wave rears up in
suspension the moment before return to the one all-encompassing sea. What a
peaceful sound. So gentle, the swishing sound of wave on shore. As though this
sound is the sound of your breath.
Undulating and rhythmical, you move endlessly, wave upon wave. The birds have
arrived! Not just the ever present seagull, but the red-winged blackbird. Your
song is so plaintive and tender, as though you are trying out your voice for
this first time. Calling out with longing and yearning. You trust enough to call
out. A piping plover swoops over head and banks a turn. All put together, it is
an orchestration of such beauty that I nearly cry out. What underlying structure
lies beneath this diversity of form?
Here it is. Another season, another year. The ice is melting, and the promise of
spring is in the air. The ice forms, then transforms. As soon as water forms
crystal, it moves away from that form to another. What it just was is no longer.
I don’t imagine that one form longs for the form that is now past. Not like us.
The mix of longing for past commingles with joy of now, and anticipation of what
is yet to come in us. This thing called Time that sees one beginning and one end
seems to be the nature of the reality that we inhabit. And yet, and yet.
The inlet has just a thin layer of ice in most places. Water flows out in tidal
ritual, some water seen, and some deep below the surface. Slowly you are warming
and melting. Two gulls cry out to each other, and the orchestra picks up again
with the tentative song of the red-winged blackbird. There they are, in the
reeds. One calls, another answers. It is random, yet ordered. Chaos, yet it
makes sense. I feel the connection.